THE AUDACITY TO SET BOUNDARIES

HERE ARE A FEW TIPS IF YOU DARE

My life changed when I started to set healthy boundaries.  For myself,  as in the things I expected of myself and the things I expected of others in regards to me. It was difficult because I liked for everyone around me to be happy and comfortable , even if it meant putting myself out for 100 miles.
As long as people told me what a nice person I was and everyone liked me , all was well with the world. Of course many times I was left feeling drained, angry ,disappointed and betrayed,  because  I felt that their level of loyalty was less than I deserved.
I felt some strange pride in that too,thinking it was a badge of honour to be thought of as the nice one, the loyal one ,the one who always agrees the one who has everyone else’s back.

At the time I didn’t know I needed help. I had the door mat syndrome, I refuse to call it anything else because that’s what I felt like after a few years a raggedy old mat.  I built up a huge mountain of resentment for people who asked anything of me because I felt powerless to say no, I felt like Ella in ” Ella enchanted”  I became an enabler to a narcissist and assisted in my own abuse because I thought that looking out for myself was selfish . Being of use to another person was how I felt worthy.

My healing showed me a world where I  acknowledged my self as important, where it was OK, and necessary even , to establish limits. And where  healthy boundaries are found fulfilling relationships must abound.
It is Impossible to be a good friend ,spouse,or whatever role one plays in any relationship when you are depleted , filled with resentment, angry or unsure of yourself and what you are really about.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU NEED HELP SETTING BOUNDARIES.

1. You always verbally agree even when you shouldn’t because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

2. You have issues with making decisions.

3. You share even when it’s not necessary, sometimes to the wrong people. Over sharing.

4. You are always swamped and busy most times helping out other people to the point of self neglect.

5. You constantly feel betrayed ,overwhelmed, resentful swamped .

              BOUNDARIES ARE NOT BLACK AND WHITE

There are no set rules that work for everyone. What works for you may not work for another individual and this is why we need to verbally set limits . In any relationship for boundaries to remain healthy and cultivate growth we have to consider other people , and ensure that we are not using these boundaries out of fear or an attempt to control.

A boundary simply establishes where you end and another person begins within reason, but it also goes a bit further as to tell people who you are. You are literally the boundaries you set and reinforce. While a boundary doesn’t mean you can change anyone else, it does allow you to protect your space and values. Boundaries are set for you, your growth ,your self care and preservation of your innerpeace . Hopefully you have established  relationships where respect prevails, if not  then your  boundaries will reveal.

Healthy boundaries can only be established from a place of healing and love. This way we allow ourselves space to accept our blessings ,to love and be loved.
When we create our boundaries from this place of healing we are conscious of how we use our NOs , because this word is powerful it can diminish our world or expand it. Boundaries are put in place so we can say yes to what we truly desire not run away from what we are afraid of.

WHAT BOUNDARY SETTING LOOKED LIKE FOR ME.

I began by setting boundaries with myself first because I felt intimidated to set them with other people . (My people pleasing radar was through the roof it even affected me at work)
One of my  first boundary was,  “Only three social media platforms on my phone“.  I limited myself which meant I had to decide which three were most important and  useful to me. I settled with Pinterest , youtube and quora. I deleted face book ,twitter, and  Instagram and I stopped watching whatsapp and Snapchat status updates . I established my reason so It was easier to maintain.
I began to set more boundaries as I slowly became more comfortable with myself. I then went on to denying requests that I really did not wish to do. I broke off from my ex and setting these boundaries is what helped my mental health.

A useful boundary was “not responding to messages or calls beyond 9 pm” this way I could focus on my night time routine before bed and be consistent with the new me I was creating.

It takes time, and emotional stamina but it gets easier . I embraced the discomfort because it’s all apart of the journey. Some people I blocked ,others I limited my time with them . I stopped doing things  just because it was requested of me. I examined the outcome for me and made sure it was not out of guilt that I agreed. I stopped feeling guilty for choosing myself after a few months and I stopped over explaining myself as well. (Don’t worry about the discomfort it must come just ride it out).

For your boundaries to remain effective you have to be OK with setting them. Hence your reasons must be clear so you can easily reinforce them should they be tested, (and tested they will be). A boundary should  always yield a positive result for you.

WHAT I LEARNT ALONG THE WAY.

1. No one respects a people pleaser so you might as well begin using those Nos ,they like you as far as they can use you. Don’t believe me? Try saying No the first time and observe the outcome.

2. You have to be OK with setting a limit. If you aren’t it will never work.

3. Setting boundaries has to come from a place of healing , or fear will cause you to build a wall that will cripple you in the long run.

4. You have to know WHY  you are setting a specific boundary or you will just look silly and lapse back to being a pushover.

5. “Because I want to sleep” and”  Because I don’t like it ” are very valid reasons . Self care and protecting your energy are important.

6. The boundaries that you set will shape your life.

7. You must remain consistent with your boundaries, some people are a little tough ( stubborn) in the head.

8. Boundary setting will have you discovering new aspects of yourself everyday.

The irony is that a life with boundaries gives you so much freedom and peace while a life without it leaves you at the mercy of others. When you realise that saying NO to one thing means automatically saying YES to another, then you understand how important it is to find your NO and find it quickly and also use it wisely .

If you need help with setting boundaries of your own you can read ” BOUNDARIES ” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend . I am always grateful for your time . do share my views with your friends if you agree. I will see you next post.